Wednesday 31 March

A certain amount of trust in Porthole drifts away today, because despite his extensive detective work (revealing the competition to be somewhat loose-flaked, if not downright organic) Licky has failed to get the new job in Bangladesh which would have changed both our lives and – more importantly – the very fundamentals of this mechanical journal forever. Can you imagine me writing from a boat on the Bay of Bengal, while wrestling with saltwater crocodiles or the socio-economic issues facing an overpopulated and poverty-stricken nation? Well don’t bother, because our barnacle-brained sub-mariner has underestimated the competition, informing us that there was no need to poison the potatoes of Licky’s biggest rival. It could be that other international opportunities arise, but in order to be able to scoot away with the tastiest, cleverest morsel since certain kinds of cheese were discovered to be sensitive to atmospheric changes, I must ensure that the Voluntary Early Death funds are recovered speedily. I am not one to rely on a woman, or rather I am one to rely on a woman for everything but monetary recompense.*

*Please note that due to technical problems, former girlfriends are unable to leave comments following this particular post.